Empty

A long time ago in what feels like a galaxy far, far away, I had my first child. I had the brilliant idea of writing him letters throughout his life (on birthdays and other momentous occasions) and keeping them in some sort of journal for him to read later in life. I loved this idea -- and yet, I never did it.

This idea that I still love and have never implemented pops in my head off and on and I often want to write letters about random things -- not just on special occasions. Usually it's at a time when I cannot write -- like when I'm driving or at work. Sometimes I get revved up by the idea and excited to try again for all three of my children. Other times it taunts me. I think of all the missed opportunities to share feelings and thoughts with my children. Years and years of missed opportunities. (Story of my life...) And still, I have not done it.

I often wonder what made me quit blogging and scrapbooking. Things that I loved -- things that recorded our lives that are flying by. I have told myself countless times it's because I've become lazy. But truth be told -- I think I've just become empty. Not completely -- but pretty darn close.

There is no nice way to say it -- Empty sucks.

Once you reach empty, it's so darn hard to recharge or even have the courage and strength or will to try.

Here's another reason I think I quit blogging. Sometimes I want to post something incredibly truthful about what is happening in my life and how it feels, but fear keeps me from doing it. Fear of the off chance that the wrong person will read it and it will just cause problems. So it stays bottled up inside filling my "empty" with a big ball of anguish. And I carry that ball of anguish around with me pretty much all the time.

Today I feel like I will write my first letter to my children. Maybe if I get the ball rolling it will eventually become a habit and maybe the sharing of my feelings will help fill up my tank again so I'm not running on empty all of the time.

Maybe.

Have a Blessed Day

This week my car has been acting up a little and today it was acting weirdly enough that I decided I had better get it checked out.

Getting the car checked is right up there at the top of my "things to hold off on as long as possible" list, along with going to the doctor and other such things. Subconsciously I think it is an attempt at no news is good news -- or rather, no news is better than bad news. However when I think about it, a safe car and a healthy body are pretty important in the grand scheme of things, so why I put them off is a mystery. Maybe it's the price tag. And let me tell you, getting my car fixed today has a doozy of a price tag.

After the man at the car shop gave me the bad news, I had the fun task of calling my spouse to relay the information. I was walking outside and the mailman was making his stop at the repair shop. He smiled at me, but I was so caught up in my dread of calling my husband and the ache in my gut from wondering how we would pay for this unexpected repair, I just basically looked right at him, but through him -- and did not smile back.

Something made me realize as soon as the mailman was past me that I had not returned his smile and I felt really bad. That may sound silly, because honestly, was my "non-smile" going to make a bit of difference to that mailman? Probably not. But you never know. Because as cliche or corny as it may sound I firmly believe that you never really know who desperately needs a smile or a kind word at any given moment.

I knew the mailman would have to walk by me again to get to his vehicle so I decided to redeem myself. I smiled and said hello and he smiled right back and said ~ "Have a blessed day!"

Have a blessed day.

It turns out those four words were exactly what I needed at that moment. The stress I was feeling about the car lightened considerably and amazingly, my phone call to my husband had a much better outcome than I expected. I realized in that moment that all day I had been watching news of a terrible earthquake and deadly tsunami in Japan that threatens to spawn tsunamis in many other places. People have lost their lives -- people are missing and injured. When you consider that -- my car repair woes are nothing.

I am blessed. I have many blessed days. Life is not easy. It is not meant to be. But it is so true that things could always be worse. And they usually are for someone.

At the end of today I will have another chunk of debt to worry about, but my car will be safer to transport my children in. We have a roof over our heads that has not been washed away by a powerful storm. We have food, we have clothes, we have family and friends. We have our faith.

It is a blessed day and I am grateful.

Forget the Groundhog

First post in five months ~ sort of. I have typed and deleted countless posts. Why? Because I won't let myself say what is really on my mind and frankly, I doubt anyone would want to read it anyway.

Today is Groundhog Day, but we my friends have a badger at our house. An annoying, mean badger and today I am feeling FED UP. A badger is really just a big bully ~ and who wants to be bullied all the time? Not me. We had a terrible start to our day.

I am sick of feeling anxious and angry and sad and hopeless. And I am the only one who can fix that -- I know it. But darn it, it's hard. And even if I do work on fixing it, the outside influences are not going to change so will it really matter? I am seriously feeling broken and have no idea how I am going to fix myself.

The worst part of feeling this way is that I know my children suffer. How can I be a good mother when I am broken? I am cheating them and I hate it.

I read a really good magazine article this morning while waiting at the doctor's office about finding happiness even in the darkest moments. It was probably good I read it this morning, as it was filled with reminders to myself on how to focus my energy on the good instead of the bad. I wish it was easier to do in the heat of the moment or when you feel like you are in the thick of a miserable situation.

I know I am blessed. I have three amazing children, a roof over my head and clothes on my back. I have a faith that I desperately need to practice better, but nonetheless, I know God is there and has a reason for whatever He sends my way. I have friends and family that I am so grateful for and who make my life better many times without even realizing it. I am thankful for my blessings.

But I am tired in SO many ways.

I doubt anyone will read this since I never even blog anymore, but I just needed to get it off my chest.

Regardless of how I am feeling today, I DO want to find hope -- and joy -- and peace again. I know I can and I will.

This quote kind of says it all to me today --

"If you knew that hope and despair were paths to the same destination, which would you choose?" ~ Robert Brault

I want to choose hope -- I just need to dig deep to find it.