My own little angel

As many of you know by now, I have had several miscarriages. One of them was when I was 20 weeks pregnant. I delivered a little girl. Lately, I've been thinking about her a lot.

When it happened, I did a couple of scrapbook pages -- mostly just writing. It really was the thing that started me into scrapbooking as we now know it. I'm thinking of doing another page, just to put a lot more in writing. I'm using my blog this morning to start jotting down some things I remember. So if you see my pages, you may see this in the form of journaling at some point. And I hope you don't mind me sharing this here.

We did name the little angel who now watches over our family. Her name is Allyson Grace.

I remember the first time I saw her little heart beating in a sonogram. I remember the day I found out something was wrong with her. I remember that my doctor at the time was very cold. She told me to bring my husband to my appointment on the day we got the bad news. She had never met him, but when she came to deliver the news that our baby was not doing so well, she didn't introduce herself to my husband or say anything comforting whatsoever. She very hurriedly came into our room and announced that the baby's heart was failing -- we'd have to decide what we wanted to do -- end of story. I remember feeling pure shock and not being able to catch my breath. I remember thinking it couldn't be real -- and wondering how my doctor could deliver such news as though she was telling me about the weather.

Initially, there was no harm to me, so it was an easy decision to just monitor the baby. We went to weekly sonogram appointments. I clearly remember the one where they could no longer find a heartbeat. It makes me cry just thinking about it.

I remember having to go through an induced labor to deliver her. I remember feeling sick and miserable and so, so empty. I remember not knowing whether or not I wanted to hold her, knowing I wasn't bringing her home. But I did hold her -- thank goodness. I think I would have regretted it the rest of my life had I not held her. She was SO, so, so tiny! I remember the small family burial service we had -- no priest, just a few family members at the cemetary.

I remember feeling sad, angry, confused and having a broken heart. I know it was God's will that it happened, but at the time, I certainly didn't want anyone to say so. I remember some friends and family saying the wrong things as they attempted to say the right things -- all with the best intentions of course. I also remember the outpouring of love from family, friends, co-workers and even from people I would never have expected it from. I remember that our dog, stayed very close to my side for the first few weeks after it happened -- as if she sensed I needed comfort.

I remember thinking I could return to work the following week. Thank goodness my doctor talked me out of it. I took an actual maternity leave -- and emotionally, I needed it!

I remember having a fabulous fetal specialist as my doctor when things went wrong -- he and his assistant were a far cry from the cold doctor who had delivered the news initially. I remember having a nurse by my side when I went through my labor and delivery, who was patient, kind and cried right along with me. I remember that Matt was very strong for me when he needed to be.

I wonder what my baby girl would have been like.

On the flip side, if we had Allyson, we would not have Ryan. That's a hard thing for me to think about. Because I miss the baby girl I never got to know, but I cannot imagine, nor do I want to imagine life without Ryan.

This event in my life happened for a reason. Maybe several reasons. It taught me a lot and it made me see things differently. Life has moved on -- a lot has happened. In the chaos of every day life, I sometimes forget the lessons I learned from my experience with Allyson. I don't want to forget. I want to always remember what really matters and not let the other stuff get to me. I want to be a good mother to the children I have been blessed with -- I want to be patient and thankful and teach them how to appreciate what is TRULY important.

If you've read this far, I hope I haven't shared too much.

Today if you think about it, as we approach Mother's Day, say a little prayer for all the wonderful mothers out there. Those who have lost children and those who haven't. If you are a mother, I wish you a beautiful Mother's Day with your children. God bless you all!